The reconciliation was between my mom and I. She explained to me [as she has done so many other times before] that she is off her medication and will be exceedingly irritable until her body adapts. I know that this was an apology, but I also realized that, for the first time, she didn't comment on the fact that my stress may be the leading cause of our aggressive-verbal showdowns. I guess when it's not pointed out to you, it's the only thing that you think about. I vowed from that day forth to have patience with my mom and try to understand where she's coming from. Really she's had such a hard life...living in a village and being constantly beaten for being opinionated, to being verbally oppressed by my father. And it must be really hard for her to not be able to do all the things that she used to do without feeling tired or weak. None of us have stopped expecting as much from her, but she can't really do everything she used to, or at least she'll try but it's not as easy and I know that now. I think the reason that I was so upset and angry was because I was hungry, cold and alone. I was hungry not only for food, but for my growing desire to get into university. I was physically cold, but also inwardly frosty because of the predicament that we were in. And I feel alone because my sister is not here, ....I'm glad that I really thought all this over last night. I thought of IB. It was the worst decision that I made. I was unsuited for IB and in the end I thought that I was very stupid instead of feeling intelligent for completing and passing my courses. People were exceedingly competitive, so much so that they thought that you were stupid if you couldn't keep up. And I guess I believed them and that's why I didn't study as hard as I used to, or should have, to get the best possible marks that I could have gotten, instead of just barely making 80%. I think that I really let my emotions get the better of me, but not this year. In uni, I'm going to do well. I just know it. I'm not surrounded by people who don't think that I knew anything. I have a chance to start anew and make a different impression on my professors. I know that I can do it, I just have to get in to prove it*sigh*. I gotta keep up the faith though- I will get in, and I will make it!
...Speaking of making it, I'm really nervous about my audition this coming Saturday. My mom wants me to look great, but that's the least of my worries. I'm scared that I won't make it, or I'll be a laughing stalk.*shudders* I keep getting nervous and then excited. There's no in-between emotion where I'm just okay with the progression of the situation. I'll do fine, I just gotta be myself and don't let anything through me off....speaking of my audition, before I left Canada MC and Ray saw my acting resume-AHH! what must they be thinking? "What's Hope doing considering acting? I thought that she was academic, not a floosey!". Oh well, their not here now, and they don't dictate where my life is going to go, only God does...by the way God? Can you give my family a break please?! We've been poor for all 18 years of my life, may be with the exception of Newfoundland, but even then, other people were well off compared to us. Help us out Lord- we do work hard, and my little bro's a really smart guy who will go far with his stories if he can get enough financial support *sigh*...Please?
..Well You know how I do
"Life is not the amount of breaths you take, it's the moments that take your breath away"~Alexander Hitchens; Will Smith [Hitch]
